I remember the day like it was yesterday. And now I know for sure from hindsight that one single day can absolutely change the entire course of your life.
In one bad day my innocence vanished…and I was never the same again. And few, still to this day decades later, know why.
This is what I know for sure, if someone you know changes suddenly from the person you once knew, something big has gone down. And the “something” probably isn’t pretty.
Escaping reality is definitely a clue. Anger another. Both cover up shame, guilt, remorse over something that’s happened to them or by them.
Disappearing acts come in many different forms. And I became a Master Magician.
I couldn’t face happy. And my six younger siblings, my parents, and friends were happy. So I rarely went home.
I disappeared in Europe for four months. Being out of the country felt freeing as I was able to forget by being so far away. No reminders and definitely out of communication.
I disappeared with alcohol so I hung out with friends who loved to party. Though this seemed a solution to feel comfortable in my own skin, it only compiled further mishaps and regrets.
I moved 2000 miles away to Los Angeles. This felt freeing too. No reminders for the shortest amount of time until I realized this saying is absolutely true, “you can run, but you can’t hide.”
The truth is the truth no matter where you are. You cannot hide. The mirror knows the truth.
For years I spent hours facing the mirror watching myself in the “ugly cry” as Oprah used to say. In some ways this is healing.
And one thing I personally know for sure is it is absolutely true that the truth will set you free.
All my disappearing and running that I thought would set me free, didn’t.
It absolutely ONLY made things worse!
Hurt, shame, guilt, anger, confusion, loneliness and regret continued to pile onto my soul until I didn’t even know who I was, where I was going, or what I even wanted, and this led to darkness.
Though most of the time I appeared to others as happy, carefree, friendly and open.
We humans are absolutely mysterious creatures. So complex!
There is so much inside us that we ourselves don’t even understand yet it’s guiding our lives, affecting our relationships, and crushing our happiness.
And the world is reflecting our personal ‘Ball of Confusion’ back to us every day.
This reflection is what makes life seem so hard. I’m pointing this out because until you are able to comprehend the meaning of what is being reflected back to you you’ll continue to suffer the same old outcome.
For years I felt mentally cluttered. And I added to that confusion daily by becoming a workaholic, a complete Triple-A stress monster, and often found myself in awful predicaments due to my lack of self-worth caused by the one day that changed my life.
And that led to often isolating myself to avoid further mishaps. At some point, I simply stopped trusting myself. Other times I just said, “f**k it all” and crept further into the darkness. This is when you know you have something serious to face.
And all the while I was keeping up appearances. I worked for amazing high-powered men in beautiful Beverly Hills offices.
I was able to separate my personal and professional life. And these two roles were totally on two separate planes. My professional life was soaring. I was sure of myself, able to make quick decisions and could handle any problem.
Yet personally every time I zigged I should have zagged. And I couldn’t figure out why I was so off kilter. Amnesia is Guilt’s best friend.
I’ve learned that when we’re moving through life carrying a heavy load everything seems somewhat “off”. It’s impossible to be your beautiful true self. In our busy world, we move forward daily with a demanding schedule, all the while trying to find time to just be.
Looking back is not a high priority as we are all focused on what we anticipate for the future. Yet all we truly have for certain is NOW.
I’ve written about my experiences all my life. And still I didn’t understand what had held me back all those years.
There was one trigger point that I didn’t know was the shot that took me down.
It wasn’t until I did serious work on myself that I realized how one day, one hour, changed the entire course of my life.
For years I noted many things that made me feel bad about myself. Yet I couldn’t decipher what was causing the darkness upon my soul once my mistakes were piled upon one another over the years.
Finding the “root cause” of our Unhappiness is Life Changing
Life is hard. And we are hard on ourselves. It’s important to remember that we are after all “only human” and trying to do the best we can.
I will absolutely admit that 2016 was one of the hardest years of my life. And what made it hard is also what is now making my days beautiful.
Understanding your truth is the magic bullet for a life of abundant love, joy, happiness, peace and freedom.
We are now at the threshold of a new year. Another chance to have a miraculous year. I’m shooting for the best ever. And I’m wishing that for you as well.
Stay tuned…lots of good things coming your way. My new program ‘True North’ will help you look back and discover your own personal core truth.
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